The point of no return...

I spent a long time trying to choose the correct words to write what I'd like to tell you in a way that that was beautiful, though sad.

The truth is that you hurt me. I know that you are who I always wanted to be my side: sweet, lightly, funny, beautiful, intelligent. Someone to go to a restaurant on a Sunday like today (sunny and warm), to love me on a Saturday like yesterday (when I completely tired after a busy and boring week), to show my hometown, to share my house, my life, my heart and my soul. If it were not for this damn distance that apart us, we would be together since the second we met, at least, I would like it.

You hurt me because you are so far away, your body and your "rational" heart. You hurt me because I need you here, on a fucking Tuesday lazy, to see how acid I can be when I sleep just few hours, to see my sadness when you don't give me attention that I need, to learn to deal with my nature that sometimes is
difficult.

I believe that good relationships are crystallized in the routine, when the silent language is made and a spirit conection is established. I need love, I need attention,I need someone to watch my sleep while I sleep. And I want to do the same, see you sleeping on my pillow. Ok, I won't care if we make these by webcam, lol...

And even if you are my perfect love, how good it can be if aren't you near me? Buried up to my feet in a senseless routine, with the weekend starting on Sunday at four o'clock until the midnight of a freaking Friday, and soon all is back, over and over again... I just need to hear a few lovely words to keep going.

Don't think I don't think about you. I think a lot to be honest. Sometimes when I take a shower, exhausted, and I wish you could be waiting for me in my bedroom watching tv. I still think of you in the middle of stupid trafic or in a boring class. Things can be worst, I remember when I saw "P.S. I love you" and I cried almost continuously for half an hour, largely because of you. I am afraid to lose you, to have regrets in the future for not have fighted for something that I believed that was real.

I feel I am fighting alone, that it's a unidirectional relationship, when I was the only one that are feel in love. Maybe this could be true and so obvious that I cheating myself to be blind... I don't want to close the door for you. The world is too vast and the roads are unfamiliar until the end of journey.

Maybe nothing happen and it will be just a silly ilusion of past or we gonna stay linked forever, dizzy with love, but eternal apart. You may stumble around and find your perfect love, be happy forever and keep me as a possibility so bright in your life (the nice girl with heart of gold). It may be that fate capriche in play and put us in the same wavelength and that would be amazing. I can die tomorrow. May we can live the same old story time after time keeping save the special feeling that once united us, why not? I don't have the answer. No one has the answer, specially that one I would like to hear...

And after these enlightened days we spent, I think our point is not today, in not now. It's something bigger. It's about our ability to enchant people, to remember that love exists and it is out there. Maybe it happens again, even after being so fucked by some people that not deserve us.

Just know that you exist, though away, make me feel hopeful. It's like a bittersweet taste, a melancholy happiness. I think that sometimes the feeling is enough, but I'm not sure... Without possessiveness, without feasibility studies, here I am. If I stop to think, I don't want you. I don't want you to open my world for two or three days or weeks for then you leave me alone in the darkness. I will be here more some months of banging head and bleeding heart although the whole world is shinning out side.

I also believe and if it happens again? And if you stay by my side, so bright, as you appeared long time ago, isn't worth having that little bit of light even for a short time?

I don't know. Frankly, I don't know. That's what I wanted to tell you: with a lot of doubts I am resigned to my ignorance and emotional impulses. What exists here aren't just people, past, present or future. There is love, the most powerful feeling. Today I can say that for a long time I didn't feel so free. There is sentimental learning prior knowledge, that was my gift, and now I have little idea of what I want to my life. I am ready to let it go, but fighting, losing nights awake and crying, ridiculous in front of the PC or watching a cute movie.

I just wish you hold me when I come, with open heart, with no fear, taking apart your ratinal side. So let things happen. I think we should live 100%, don't think, just feel. My year wouldn't be so good if I hadn't met you. If you hadn't released me and teached me so much things. Regardless of what happens, I will eternally grateful because you make me a better person.