I spent a long time trying to choose the correct words to write what I'd like to tell you in a way that that was beautiful, though sad.
The truth is that you hurt me. I know that you are who I always wanted to be by my side: sweet, lightly, funny, beautiful, intelligent. Someone to go to a restaurant on a Sunday (sunny and warm), to love me on a Saturday like yesterday (when I completely tired after a busy and boring week), to show you my hometown, to share my house, my life, my heart and my soul. It could be real if didn't exist this damn distance that apart us. We would be together since the first second we met, at least, I would like it.
You hurt me because you are so far away, your body and your "rational" heart. You hurt me because I need you here, on a fucking lazy Tuesday, to see how acid I can be when I sleep just few hours, to see my sadness when you don't give me the attention that I need, to learn to deal with my nature that sometimes is difficult.
I believe that good relationships are crystallized in the routine, when the silent language is made and a spirit conection is established. I need love, I need attention, I need someone to watch my sleep while I sleep. And I want to do the same, see you sleeping on my pillow or my lap. Ok, I won't care if we make these by webcam, lol...
And even if you are my perfect love, how good it can be if aren't you near to me? Buried up into my feet in a senseless routine, with the busy week starting on Monday morning with me praying for the finish of a freaking Friday, and soon all is back, over and over again... I just need to hear a few lovely words from to keep going. You make me believe everything worth :)
Don't think you are not on my mind in my crazy days. I think a lot about you to be honest. Sometimes when I take a shower, exhausted, I wish you could be waiting for me in my bedroom watching tv. I still think of you in the middle of stupid trafic or in a boring class. Things could be worst, I remember when I saw "P.S. I love you" some weeks ago and I cried almost continuously for half hour because of you. I am afraid to lose you, to have regrets in the future for not have fighted for something that I believed that was real.
I feel I am fighting alone, that it's a unidirectional relationship, when I was the only one that are in love. Maybe it is true and so obvious that I cheating myself trying to be blind... I don't want to close the door for you. The world is too vast and the roads are unfamiliar until the end of journey.
Maybe nothing will happen and it will be just a silly ilusion of my past. Maybe we gonna stay linked forever, dizzy with love, but eternal apart. You may stumble around and find your perfect love, be happy forever and keep me as a bright possibility in your life (" a nice girl with heart of gold" - your words, remember?). Maybe destiny will put us in the same wavelength and that would be amazing. Maybe I will die tomorrow. Maybe we will live the same old story time after time, keeping safe the special feeling that once united us, why not? I don't have a answer. No one has a answer, specially that one I would like to hear...
And after these enlightened days we spent, I think our point is not today. It's something bigger. It's about our ability to enchant people, to remember that love exists and it is out there. Maybe it happens again, maybe not... Even after being so fucked by some people that not deserve us.
Just to know that you exist, though away, make me feel hopeful. It's like a bittersweet taste, a melancholy happiness. I think that sometimes my feeling is enough, but I'm not sure... Without possessiveness, without feasibility studies, here I am. If I stop to think rationally, I don't want you. I don't want you to open my world for two or three days or weeks for then you let me alone in the darkness one more time. I will be sad, suffering some more months of banging head and bleeding heart although the whole world is shinning out side.
But if you stay by my side, with the same caring and love that you appeared a long time ago, isn't worth having that little bit of light even for a short time?
I don't know. Frankly, I don't know. That's what I want to tell you: with a lot of doubts I am resigned to my ignorance and emotional impulses. What exists here aren't just people, past, present or future. There is love, the most powerful feeling. Today I can say I didn't feel so free this for a long time. There is sentimental learning: you are my gift, and now I have little idea of what I want to my life. I am ready to let it go, but fighting, losing nights awake and crying, ridiculous in front of the PC or watching a cute movie.
I just wish you hold me when I come. Be prepared with heart open, with no fear, taking apart your rational side. Let´s things happen. I think we should live 100% every single moment. Don't think, just feel. My year wouldn't have been so good if I hadn't met you. If you hadn't released me and taught me so many things. Regardless of what happens, I am eternally grateful because you made me a better person.
